Stayin’ alive

A kidney dialysis/transplant diary

Looking for a little inspiration

“Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. Know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. You must leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.”  —Dr. Phil

OK. I’m trying to put the brakes on. Trying to get out of pity party mode and back on the path.  Trying to rid myself of excuses, clear my environment and set things up for success again…now, before I end up in the mudhole at the bottom of the slippery slope.

I’m sick on top of being sick. I have a cold now, on top of all the other sh– (fill in the blanks) and you know how an addict is, any (insert drug of choice) in a  (insert crisis or celebration of choice).

My bootstraps seem too far down to reach at the moment. I have got to get out of this mode because it is NOT doing me any good. In fact, it’s hurting my goals which is hurting my life.

Everything seems so serious. Every little thing has such seemingly huge consequences. It seems the opposite of “don’t sweat the small stuff.” Even the small stuff seems to carry huge weight, pun and reference fully intended.

“Decide that you are worth the risk of taking action, and that your dreams are not to be sold out. “

OK. What is my dream? To be healthy or as healthy as I can be. Why is that my dream? Because I’m not willing to give up life yet and I am so tired of feeling sick and tired. There are many things I want to see and do yet and right now I can’t see or do them not just because of dialysis but because of my general health.

The truth of “move it or lose it” is bearing down on me and I know in my mind that I’m the only one who can make it better. My heart wants the doctors to do it for me.

I have to move. If I am ever able to do the things I want to do, I have to be able to move.  A new kidney isn’t going to do that for me. I have to do that. I have to get up and move, get on the treadmill — or the sidewalk, lift a weight or two.

I have to quit eating and justifying when I break the plan.  It’s been nearly two weeks now and the slope is getting slicker by the moment.  Why do I sabotage myself even now when I know it’s a life and death question? Why?

I’m the only one who can sell out this dream. Why do I do it so easily? The dream really isn’t that much, is it? It’s a small thing that seems like Mount Everest to me. God knows it’s difficult enough to climb a flight of stairs let alone climb Everest. 

So now the little voice in my head that says all the right things as if I believe it emotionally as well as intellectually is saying: “Even climbing a mountain takes one step at a time. You can take one step at a time. DO IT!”

“Know that putting yourself at risk may be scary, but it will be worth it. “

Am I putting myself at risk by losing weight? I must be because it is and always has been so difficult for me to do. So difficult that I’ve never done it successfully.  Sure, I’ve lost weight before. Hundreds of pounds, to be perfectly frank.  But I’ve never been successful at keeping it off and this has to be a lifelong commitment because losing weight is what can give me my dream of better health. 

Not only to lessen the chances of negatives from a kidney transplant, but my diabetes, my arthritis, my sleep apnea: All would benefit from my weight loss.  So what keeps me from doing it? What, as Dr. Phil would say, is my payoff?

Instant gratification? Yes, I admit that.  I love food but I’ve also found that with the right spices, etc., I love food that I can eat without mourning the foods I can’t. That doesn’t mean I should eat a ton of “good for you” foods either.

What am I putting at risk if I make my life healthier? I truthfully can’t think of a thing. I often wonder if, when I was younger, I actually thought I would be taken more seriously if I carried more weight.

Then again, I was first put on a diet by a doctor when I was 8 years old.  I don’t think I was trying to hide my beauty at that age and if I eat to fill a void in my life, that void started terribly early.  In fact, my mother tells me that I required supplemental feedings in the hospital right after I was born.

But I’m neither an infant nor a child at this point in my life. I am what I am and I like myself even though I don’t like my body image or the fact that weight is hampering my life in so many ways.

If I acknowledge all of that, why should it be scary for me to take control and defeat this enemy?  Maybe there is a bit of epiphany today.  It is the enemy and why should I succor the enemy?

“You must leave behind the comfortable and familiar if you are to move onward and upward.” 

Leave behind the comfortable. How I eat — at least in the past — is the comfortable for me.  I know what combinations to put together to make my tastebuds happy…some of those add no weight whatsoever.  Those I can retain.

What I need to do is remove the calorie-loaded comfort food from my environment.  The most effective way would be to do so physically, but that’s difficult to do when another person lives with you — do not use that as an excuse — acknowledge that it’s difficult and go on from there? Is vanquishing any enemy easy? I think not.

So I need to bolster my environment against the enemy and make sure I take time each and every day to prepare for the battle.

Do it. Do it. DO IT!

I hope this little pep talk hasn’t bored the bejesus out of you, but I needed it.  I’ll let you know tomorrow if I was able to screw my courage to the sticking post.

Please, leave a comment and give me a bit of encouragement. I need all the allies I can muster.


January 6, 2008 - Posted by | diabetes, dialysis, fistula, health, kidney, renal diet, renal recipes, transplant, weight loss


  1. Hi.

    Would you like a walking partner? I would love to be your walking partner, if you’d like. I need to walk, too. It would benefit us both!

    Think about it.


    Comment by orange gearle | January 6, 2008 | Reply

  2. Hi Kathy,
    You CAN do this. YOU are a child of God, made in HIS image. Remember that your body is a temple- a center of strength, love and acceptance. Try some kind of scheduling. I started meditating for 10 min every day and when I got bored with that I started walking 10 min. Those 10 minutes add up. I get myself to lift weights by saying that I will be able to get everything done faster when I am strong. So far it is working! Don’t completely cut out everything you enjoy or you are setting yourself up for a binge. Treat yourself for a job well done. More incentive to do the right thing. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Comment by Angela | January 6, 2008 | Reply

  3. I cant begin to tell you just how much I felt like I was reading something I wrote, as I went through this post.

    I’m not a kidney patient (yet), but my sister is – she’s doing peritoneal dialysis now. She also has a blog –

    What I wanted to say was that I’m overweight, diabetic (with numbness and pain in my feet for the last 3 years now), have high BP, love to eat, hate to exercise. Despite knowing that I HAVE to lose weight, control my diet and get to the gym, if I want to live a reasonably healthy life, I cant seem to bring myself to do any of the good things! It’s like I cant believe my kidneys will fail, or that my eyesight could go… because, y’know, it’s ME. I know I’m in denial. Your pep talk to yourself has made me feel like I’m not alone… thank you and my very best wishes and prayers go out to you.

    Comment by Shyam | September 5, 2008 | Reply

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